Disorder in the Court

Listed below are excerpts from a book called "Disorder in the Court." Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and keeping a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
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Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the pat! ient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week".
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him
a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Childtalk

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act...
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.
Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved - John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."
David replied: "Doctor, he didn't hang himself . . . I hung him there to dry."

Free

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" She whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do." she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife. lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or spend 20 years in jail?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek...and said, "you know...I would have gotten out today."

Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly, the sky clouded overhead and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii for me, so I can drive over any time I want."
The lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it's hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives have said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say, 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes of silence, the Lord said: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said: "Look, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."